That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
