My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
