I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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