He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
