Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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