wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
