On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
