Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
