dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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