I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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