I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
