My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
