I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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