Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
