They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
