Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
