There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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