I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
