can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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