im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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