I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
