he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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