I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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