dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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