i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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