my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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