I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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