Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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