What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
