He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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