Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
