Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
