I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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