dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
