I'm eating all of the evidence.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
