I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
