super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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