I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
