Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
