where does the pee come out of this thing
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
