a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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