So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
