It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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