he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
