I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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