During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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