I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
