i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So here I am, sexting at work.
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