That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
