Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
