I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
