why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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